Review: Lies My Mother Never Told Me by Kaylie Jones

Title: Lies My Mother Never Told Me

Author: Kaylie Jones
ISBN: 978-0-06-177870-4
Publishing Info: William Morrow, September 2009
Number of Pages: 370
Book Category: Memoir

Book Overview

To say Kaylie Jones grew up in an interesting household is an understatement. Her father was James Jones—the acclaimed novelist renowned for his WWII books, including From Here To Eternity and The Thin Red Line (both made into movies). Her mother Gloria was a beauty (she was Marilyn Monroe's stand-in for a movie once) and a quick-witted storyteller who was both brainy and bawdy. (Some of her mother's best stories are interspersed throughout the book and make for some very interesting and fun reading.)

During Kaylie's childhood in Paris, she and her adopted brother Jamie live a lifestyle far from their parent's humble Midwestern roots—parties that last all night, guests who include a veritable "who's who" of the literary world (family friends included William Styron, Irwin Shaw and Willie Morris), a full-time nanny, private schools, exotic vacations. Yet Kaylie's childhood was not terribly happy. Her mother's mean streak and unreliability helped make Kaylie an uncertain and tentative child. Kaylie's father was the light of her life, but he was often "missing in action" due to his writing or being a part of the constant party that was at the center of her parents' lives. The end result was a lonely childhood filled with doubt, self-esteem issues and uncertainty. And no one in the family dared to say the forbidden word: alcoholic.

When the family moved back to the United States, they settled in a literary enclave in the Hamptons. Not too long after, James Jones's health began to deteriorate (in no small part to the heavy drinking that accompanied his lifestyle), and he died when Kaylie was 16. His passing ripped a hole into Kaylie's life that was never fully mended. Although she was now struggling with her own drinking problem (yet deep in denial), Kaylie promised her father on his deathbed that she would keep her mother from drinking so much.

This promise becomes an almost unbearable burden. To keep an alcoholic from drinking is an impossible task—especially when your own drinking problem is unrecognized. The toxic relationship between Gloria and Kaylie plays out over the years as they dance to the same tune over and over again ... until Kaylie acknowledges her own drinking problem and begins to realize the true depth of her mother's alcoholism and how their relationship is built on a script that casts Gloria as the all-powerful tyrant and Kaylie as the submissive, disobedient slave.

When Kaylie begins her own path to recovery, her mother does everything in her power to thwart her. Kaylie slowly begins to understand that she does not need to take responsibility for her mother's drinking and that she does not need to accept her mother's opinions about her love affairs, lifestyle or career. And when Kaylie becomes a mother, she struggles valiantly to rebuild a relationship with her mother and provide her daughter with a grandmother—a Herculean task that is littered with conflict, anger, betrayal and sadness.

In the end, the relationship between mother and daughter deteriorates to a point where it ceases to exist in any real form. When her mother finally dies, the only thing Kaylie feels is relief.

My Thoughts

I received this book as part of the LibraryThing Early Reviewer program, and I was a bit hesitant about reading it at first. I kept putting it off because it seemed depressing (and it is in many ways), and I wasn't in a place where I wanted depressing (given the recent passing of my own father). Yet after my dad died, I kept having trouble finding a book to read. Anything funny didn't sit well, and I wasn't in the mood for something light and fluffy. So I picked this up and thought "Well, I better read it no matter what because I owe LibraryThing a review." Well, it turned out that this book captured me from the start and didn't let me go.

Kaylie Jones has written a clear-eyed, unflinching memoir that is absolutely stunning. She has a very direct and spare writing style that suits the material well. She presents her story with a minimum of embellishment and little drama—yet you are drawn in by the strength of her writing and her story itself. Besides the obvious draw of having a famous novelist for a father and a childhood that includes frequent brushes with literary giants, Kaylie's story is most compelling for the life-long struggle she has with coming to terms with her mother's and her own alcoholism. So many memoirs feature flawed and alcoholic mothers, but I've never read one as direct and unswerving in its focus on the ugliness that drinking can bring as this one.

Yet don't think this book is all doom and gloom. Humor permeates the book (particularly in her mother's stories that are interspersed throughout), and Kaylie does find moments of grace and humor even in her darkest hours. In other words, you're not going to be depressed after reading the book. In fact, I suspect most readers will come away from this memoir feeling inspired and uplifted. If Kaylie can find a path to peace, so can we.

Another compelling aspect of Kaylie Jones's memoir is her struggle to find her voice as a writer while standing in her father's shadow. Throughout her career, Kaylie never feels she is good enough—that she is only granted scholarships, accepted into writing programs, and published because of who her father is. This inability to believe in herself and continual self-doubt make her easy to empathize with. I imagine that anyone who follows in the footsteps of a successful parent almost always grapples with these types of doubts and fears.

As Kaylie begins to regain her life—both by admitting she has a drinking problem and by becoming a mother—I felt her strength and confidence grow slowly but surely. One of the keys to her salvation was pursuing a black belt in tae kwon do. I was particularly drawn to this aspect of the book because I'm currently taking my son to karate classes, and I've thought of trying it myself. Hearing about Kaylie's experiences as she progresses through the various belt levels was quite inspirational to me—and it made me realize how pursuing a goal like a black belt can be a literal life-saving quest.

My Final Recommendation

There are so many reasons to read this memoir.

First, anyone interested in American writers of the mid-20th century would be fascinated by this insider's glimpse into an exclusive literary world. This memoir features stories about Norman Mailer, Kurt Vonnegut, Truman Capote, William Styron and many more. Interspersed with the appearances by these literary giants are brushes with Hollywood luminaries such as Kris Kristofferson and Frank Sinatra. In addition, this book serves as a mini-biography of James Jones—exploring his childhood, marriage and literary legacy.

Second, I think this memoir should have a place on the bookshelf of any adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). Kaylie's struggle with her mother's alcoholism is raw, unflinching and brutal. As Kaylie herself says, so many aspects of her relationship with her mother is textbook ACOA material. If drinking plays a role in your family life, I imagine that reading this memoir would be both painful but ultimately helpful and perhaps even healing.

Third, this memoir is well-written and weaves a compelling story. What more do you really need?
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You can win my Advance Reading Copy (ARC) of Lies My Mother Never Told Me by clicking here.